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Relationship with Mother

Posted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 7:26 pm
by Imperia
Hello, this is my first post. I came to this forum because I don't have a good relationship with my mother. I never could trust her. She seemed to enjoy revelling in my misfortunes. I know that she never liked me and even told me that I was the worst baby. I disappointed her because she thought I was going to be a boy. When I came out with red hair that made it even worse. I started dying my hair blond when I was 9 years old. I felt her shame as if it were my own.

My mother and I no longer speak. It's a long story, but I had to cut ties for my own mental health as well as for the safety of my son. My question is, how can I move past this? Every holiday or birthday makes me shudder at the prospect of having of talking to her. The fact is that I could never talk to her. She was duplicit at best, and down right vengeful at worst. I believe that she was jealous of me because my father openly favored me. My sister and I also never got along until she moved out of the house. I feel like I was born into the wrong family, but why? What kind of lesson is supposed to come from this?

On my mother's side of the family, there is a predisposition toward schizophrenia, especially with the women. She has 10 brothers and sisters and they all have or had emotional problems. Their father left them to start a new family. I believe he left because he was a traveling salesman and found an opportunity, but somehow he rationalized leaving because the kids were "bad" and couldn't be musically trained. He had a fixation that one of his children should be a music prodigy and become rich. My mother often made comments that echoed of her father's voice, "why can't we have talent in our family?", "oh look at her play the piano, I wish we had a child like that" and so on...

My father came from a similar background but much less repressed. My parents have a toxic relationship which is codependent and fake. He has cheated on her less than he wanted to if he could have, but nonetheless, he cheated on her whenever an opportunity came and she could ignore it, actually she could delude herself into believing that everything was proper and that she was ultra moral, but it was all a sham. The moral injuries that I received growing up still scar me in a way where I can't trust anyone. But I know there are good people out there and I believe that I deserve to have healthy friendships with trustworthy people. I just haven't found this yet.

Thanks for reading. God Bless!

Re: Relationship with Mother

Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 7:23 pm
by Daffodil
It's a rarely-used forum these days, and it's too bad. My opinion is that you have to cut all ties. No calls - no visits. I don't know how women cope with feelings of culturally-imposed guilt, but we must try. We have to try. Forget about "how" the parent(s) was. You don't want to spend your lifetime trying to figure this out. It just isn't worth it. I'm going to post now about walking away and leaving everything.

Re: Relationship with Mother

Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 12:41 pm
by Lady Alinor
Imperia...so sorry I didn't see this post sooner. There again maybe it's a good thing I missed it. My birth-mother and I were estranged at the time of her passing....which IS a good thing for me right now today....a few years from now I may still feel that way. I may not but then it is what it is.
I wish you well and if you need to talk it out do so....even if it is out loud to yourself in the shower or while walking in nature. Don't let any of it linger in your heart or mind.

Re: Relationship with Mother

Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2017 4:11 pm
by ItalianBee
My mother and I no longer speak. It's a long story, but I had to cut ties for my own mental health as well as for the safety of my son. My question is, how can I move past this? Every holiday or birthday makes me shudder at the prospect of having of talking to her.


Sometimes people need to cut ties and sometimes after a long time of estrangement it feels safe to try again. Only you know if you have to. My question is, if you feel you need her out of your life, do you have to attend family gatherings at all or can you do something special for holidays with other family members, on the side? Or with somebody else?

Re: Relationship with Mother

Posted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 10:55 am
by Lady Alinor
Something to consider.......thinking in terms of the Egyptian Book of the Dead, Tibetan Book of the Dead, when one stands before Deity for a review of ones life deeds, can one stand firm with the choices made, because it is a heavy heart that condemns us in the end.
Ultimately we each need to know that if 'THIS' is all there is then how do we want to live it...happy, joyful, excited with each new day, and in keeping that in mind when we are happy and at piece in our hearts we can make a difference around us...people pick up on those 'vibes'.
Just a random thought this morning